I had turned a corner in my waiting. Instead of walking around in a worry-induced haze, I decided to read John Piper's When the Darkness Will Not Lift. The subtitle is "Doing What We Can While We Wait for God--and Joy." It was perfect. By the time I got to page 51 I had had to get a pen to underline and then get a file card to copy parts of it that I needed to read over and over.
The book begins with a poem that I find astonishing. It was written in 1633, and the part I really loved said this:
I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve:
And all my sorrow-sweet days
I will lament and love.
I read it, I underlined it, I copied it. That was Tuesday night. Wednesday morning I woke up early and, finding nothing I wanted to do (fold laundry, empty dishwasher, sweep kitchen...) I sat down once again with my book, my pen and my file card.
It is a great moment when I can be "still before the Lord." And that lasts about 2 seconds when, in my stillness, I am secretly nurturing the thought that "if I show God I can suffer, He'll let me have a court date." I then read and underlined this: "Your aim in loosing your tongue with words of gratitude is that God would be merciful and fill your words with the emotion of true gratitude. You are not seeking the praise of men; you are seeing the mercy of God. You are not hiding the hardness of ingratitude, but hoping for the inbreaking of the Spirit." (p.50)
So I thanked God for His timing and I prayed for the inbreaking of the Spirit. I called our adoption agency but hung up before I could leave a message. About 30 minutes later, the phone rang and the agency's name showed up on caller ID. I thought they were calling me back since I had called them. HOWEVER.
We have a court date. It's January 12.